Pressing On

A sweet woman who also lost her husband to cancer at a young age wrote me the following after hearing of Zach's death:
"1)  You may not feel like "yourself" for quite a while and that is ok...don't be hard on yourself!
2)  God will keep you closer than you can imagine. He truly is the Father to the Fatherless and the Husband to the Husbandless.  You will see miracles happen around you.  That is just God protecting and loving you - watch for it.  It's such a humbling experience."

In the past month I have been reading the book An Untroubled Heart.  I can relate to much of what Micca Campbell writes because God chose to take her loving husband to heaven when she was in her twenties, leaving her a single parent of their son.  Here is a quote from her book: 

"God met me in my pain and carried me to new levels of grace...With each encounter, my future grew brighter, and I was able to pick up the pieces of my shattered dream and with God's help rebuild my life."   (p. 21)

God has blessed me by allowing me to be encouraged by both of these women.  I so appreciate the quote above because it reminds me that even though I am not at a point where I feel like the pieces are picked up and my life is rebuilt to a new normal, I can rest in God's grace and the hope that the future can grow brighter. I press on one day at a time praying that the next day will go a little better.  That I will feel a little more like myself.  That I will figure out how to be the mother God wants me to be.  That I will draw another step closer to Jesus and truly feel His presence in my life.  That I will find purpose and joy in this life that God has called me to live even though it is different than what I would have imagined.  God is so good and I am thankful that He continues to transform me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. 

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family.  As you pray for Zion, Moriah, and I, please continue to pray for the children in Haiti.  They have also experienced much loss.  Pray that their Homes of Hope parents will be given wisdom to support them through their grief.  Pray that they will be given an extra measure of patience as grief in children is often expressed in   misbehavior that can be exhausting to deal with on a daily basis.  Pray that the children can turn to Jesus for answers and healing.

First Day of Preschool

 

Moriah loved her first day of preschool.  She was so excited when I picked her up that she ran to the van and was full of  energy for the next hour or so.  Her teachers are Mrs. Girod and Miss Tonner.  She has seven classmates, including her cousin Elly.  I have to admit that I love preschool too.  Having a couple hours to myself was great and I made a lot of progress on my to do list for work. 

Kindergarten

Zion survived his second day of Kindergarten.  We were running late the first day, so I settled for pictures at school this morning.  He seems to like his teacher, Miss. Towle and is excited to sit next to Luci (right next to Miss Towle's desk).  I am thankful Luci does well with boys because Mason sits on her other side.  There are 10 children in the class and it will be interesting to see what dynamics develop over the next few weeks. 

Moriah went with me to drop Zion off and she wanted to stay at school today.  I hope she continues to be interested in school because she starts preschool in a few weeks.   

Looking Back

I wrote this post on our blog on June 24, 2010:
A New Journey
I started this blog to record cute tales about our kids and to share stories of our lives. Life continues to happen, but with it brings the busyness that has made blogging less of a priority. In April we sold our house in Leo, moved in with Zach’s parents for over a month, and were thankfully able to move into our new house in Bluffton in mid May. We were just starting to get settled again when God chose to open our eyes to a new journey He wants us to take. A journey that we are thankful we don’t have to face alone.

On June 12th Zach had a colonoscopy and after the procedure the Doctor shared with us that he had found a large growth in Zach’s lower colon that appeared to be cancerous. On Monday Zach had a CAT Scan and then on Tuesday received the news that the growth was cancer and that the CAT Scan showed spots in his liver and lungs. We met with an oncologist in Fort Wayne on Wednesday the 23rd and he ordered a PET Scan to verify the CAT Scan Results. Zach had to have a blood transfusion on Friday the 18th because his hemoglobin levels were too low. On Monday(21st) he had the PET Scan and on Tuesday (22nd) we met with Dr. Helft a specialist at Indiana University’s Simon Cancer Center. Dr. Helft verified that the cancer has moved from Zach’s colon to both his liver and his lungs, which means that Zach has Stage Four Colon Cancer. This type of cancer has no cure at this time, but we are thankful that there are chemo treatments effective in shrinking the cancer and preventing it from spreading. Research has shown that people receiving treatment for type four colon cancer live on an average of 2 ½ years and 1 in 8 live for 5 years.

Zach has an MRI on Friday the 25th and is scheduled to start chemotherapy on the 29th. Our hope is that the chemo will decrease the size of the tumor and also the pain that Zach is experiencing. Dr. Helft and his nurse are hopeful that Zach should be able to continue working and function fairly normally as he is given this first type of chemo. We are thankful to be working with medical professionals who along with being experienced in treating colon cancer have a great compassion for their patients and their families.

In the coming weeks we are hoping to be able to settle into a new routine. A routine that includes trips to Indianapolis every other week for chemo and tests every few months to evaluate the effectiveness of the treatment. We find our future very uncertain right now, but are thankful for the things we know are true. GOD is in control. HE will give us the strength to endure everything we will face. No matter what happens we can look forward to Heaven.

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:7-9
 

Today:
As I reflect on where our family is at right now-I can see how three years later the kids and I are starting on yet another journey. A journey without the husband and father we love. We have had two weeks to process our loss and I am guessing it will take months, maybe even years for us to fully understand how to cope with loosing someone so important in our lives. Would I change what has happened to our family? I can honestly say “no.” I of course wish Zach won’t have suffered so much. The pain in the moment was hard on him, but he always went back to the thought that he would gladly suffer if God would use his suffering to bring more souls to Jesus. I take comfort knowing that He died with no regrets. Today Zach’s brother Brad sent the family a copy of a life purpose statement Zach wrote in January of 2009. The document was three pages long and I may share more of it later, but for now here is a little taste of what was in it:

What 50 things would I like to do before I die?
1. Adopt a child/children from another country
7. Use financial resources for spreading the gospel
19. Always serve Christ and have a “Kingdom Mindset”
27. Start up a business or ministry on the side at home with Jenny
35. Be at peace with all men
36. Show Compassion to orphans
37. Show Compassion to widows
38. Show Compassion to strangers (refugees)
43. Go on another work team to Haiti
44. Visit the children in Haiti that Jenny and I sponsor
48. Be known as an encourager
49. Have a “good name” to pass down to my children
50. Be faithful to Christ ‘til death

Also on this list were things he wanted to do with the kids and I, professional goals, personal development goals, and places he wanted to visit. I remember reading this list after he wrote it and giving him my thoughts. When I read through the list today, I was amazed by God’s faithfulness to Zach. Zach could have never imagined the way that God would choose to use his life and how so many of the most important things on his list could be accomplished.

Just as I wrote three years ago, I am thankful we don’t have to travel this journey alone. Our family, friends, church family, and believers from all over the United States and even in other countries have blessed our family more than we could have ever imagined in the last three years. There has been pain, doubts, and tears. Through it all our GREAT GOD has been faithful. I find our future uncertain right now, but I am thankful for the things I know are true. GOD is in control. HE will give our family the strength to endure everything we will face. HE has been so faithful to our family in the past and has allowed CHRIST’S NAME to be glorified through the work HE has given us to do. No matter what happens we can look forward to Heaven where we will be united with our SAVIOR, our HEAVENLY FATHER, and loved ones who have gone before us (including Zach).

Trusting in Jesus,
Jenny

Photography Practice

A few weeks ago I took a class from my friends Jenna and Vanessa to learn how to use my camera better.  I still need a lot of practice, but I am starting to get a better understanding of how to use what I learned.  Moriah was thankfully a pretty willing subject today.  Zion helped by making faces at her and later stopped his ipad game long enough to pose for a picture too.

Update on Zach

Zach remains peaceful.  He is so ready to go "Home," but continues to rest in the fact that if he is still on this earth God has things for him to do.  God blessed him with conversations with several people in the last week that were good reminders of the fact that God is still using him.  His body is sensitive to touch and he spends most of his time in bed.  Zach normally sleeps from midnight to around 2:00 each afternoon.  He eats very little now because eating often makes him feel sick.  The doctors have told him only to eat if he wants to because his body does not absorb food very well anymore.  It is hard to see him loose weight, but I remind myself that soon he will have a new healthy body in Heaven.  Zach has pain but the pain medications are making it bearable. 

For those of you who know Zach well you know he likes to talk.  Over the past few weeks he has been talking less.  He enjoys company, but prefers to listen other people talking around him rather than participating in the conversation.  When he does talk, Jesus and Heaven are often his topic of conversation.  His voice is softer now, making it harder for people to understand him on the phone.

I have been trying to make life as normal as possible for the kids.  Zion has been going to school and both kids have spent time with friends.  Zion started playing t-ball on a team with some of his friends last night.  We went to the zoo with Zion's preschool class on Wednesday and played at the park with friends yesterday.  Moriah had a great "4th" birthday celebration with family Saturday night (she turned 4 on Wednesday).

I am taking life one day at a time.  It is hard knowing that at any moment I could find Zach not breathing and I often wonder how I will respond.  I am thankful that we have been able to talk about his death and our family's future a lot over the past weeks and months.  Zach has had a lot of help from family and friends to create special books and dvds for the kids.  This has been a huge blessing to me since I was rather overwhelmed by the projects I wanted him to do for them.  Each day one of my goals is to rest in faith instead of allowing fear to overwhelm me. Thanks for the continued prayers.     

This song is in my thoughts today:

TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS
Words and Music by Helen H. Lemmel (1922)

O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Saviour,
And life more abundant and free.

... Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion -
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

His Word shall not fail you - He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well;
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell.

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Devotion Zach sent out on May 4th

 

And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. - 2 Cor. 12:15

I can certainly relate to this poem.....I'm sure many of you can too.

A Prayer of Weariness
by Randy Alcorn

I AM WEARY, Lord… bone tired.

Weary to the point of tears, and past them.

Your Word says you never grow weary;

But I know you understand weariness

Because once you drug a heavy cross

up a long lonely hill.

Many times you had nowhere to lay your head—

And people who needed you pressed upon you

by day and by night.

My reservoir is depleted, almost dry.

For longer than I can remember I’ve been

Dredging from its sludgy underside

Giving myself and my loved ones the leftovers

Of a life occupied with endless tasks.

The elastic of my life is so stretched out of shape

that it doesn’t snap back anymore.

Just once I’d like to say “It is finished,” like you did.

But you said it just before you died.

I guess my job won’t be over till my life is

and that’s OK Lord,

if you’ll just give me strength to live it.

Deliver me from this limbo of half-life;

Not just surviving, but thriving.

You who know all, You who know me

Far better than I know myself—

Deposit to my account that as I spend myself

There may be always more to draw from.

Give me strength

To rest without guilt…

To run without frenzy…

To soar like an eagle

Over the broad breathless canyons of the life

you still have for me both here and beyond.

 

 

Zach with our niece Khloe on May 14th