Trusting

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

This verse has run through my mind a lot in the past few days.  As I reflect on the fact that 2013 is coming to an end, I realize that I cannot understand much of what I have experienced in the past year.  My prayer journal is filled with more questions than answers as I have tried to process why God has allowed me to go through so many tests of my faith.  In all honesty I am not sure if I am ready for 2014.  How will I survive if 2014 brings more challenges like 2013?  I have asked God to use my life for His glory, but in my quiet moments with Him I find myself asking "How much more are You going to put me through?"  I am very aware of my human weakness and possibly more aware than any other time in my life that I can't look too far ahead.  I find myself asking Him every morning to give me whatever I need to survive another day. At the end of each day I thank Him for getting me through and praise Him for the people He has placed in my life to listen to my fears, speak encouraging words, and show me that they care.  I am so grateful that God's patience with me is far greater than my patience with other people.  He never tells me to be quiet even when I have told him about the same struggles over and over again.  He reminds me that His compassion for me is great and that He knows me better than I know myself.  

A friend sent me this verse yesterday and I plan to post it in a place a can read it often.  "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen" (I Peter 5:10-11) I place a lot of hope in the fact that Christ will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish me in His perfect time.  

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

Ira F.Stanphill

I don't know about tomorrow;
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.

I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter,
Every cloud is silver-lined.

There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.

And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand...

Moriah

Not sure what I feed her today, but she was a little wild at bedtime.  I guess I  shouldn't be surprised since she tends to be dramatic about her emotions.    It is not uncommon for her to tell me "this is the worst day of my life" if she is upset about something.  I normally have to talk to her for five or ten minutes to convince her to stay at pre-school or YMCA child watch.  Once she finally decides to stay she often pushes me out the door so she can play or work on a craft.  At times she insists on exercising me at the YMCA and amuses my entire strength training class by copying our movements using her one pound weights.  She is really into art right now and has made at lot of books.  She draws the pictures and then tells me what to write on each page.  She also loves to make gifts for people and normally sends everyone who comes to our house away with some picture or gift.  Her bears "Pinky" and Bluey" are her constant companions and she rarely goes anywhere with out one of them.  She tells me that some day she will be brave enough to go to Grandma's house without her bear.  She has a love/hate relationship with Zion.  Just last week when Zion was hitting her with pillows I heard her say the following: "That's it I am allergic to Zion." Right now I am thankful my little bundle of energy is sleeping in her bed. 

She decided to pose for one nice picture.  

One of the Songs that Touched my Heart Today

Saying yes to God

A portion of the devotion I read this morning by Lisa TerKeurst:

The eyes of The Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.   2 Chronicles 16:9

This is the way the body of Christ is supposed to work.  God speaks we listen; He confirms, we obey; He gives us strength to do amazing things, we watch miracles come out of our lives.  I love 2 Chronicles 16: 9 because it brings a picture to my mind of God standing in front of a crowd of people asking, "Who is willing to do an amazing assignment for Me?"

Many shrug and make excuses. but one little girl jumps up and in complete abandon says, "Me Lord! Pick me! I am willing!"  Then He whispers back, "Well done, my child.  I am so pleased.  You have made a good choice.  I will give you strength to do this.  Do not be afraid.  I will be with you."

Dear Lord, let me always be that little girl with the up stretched arm and obedient heart. Give me wisdom to know Your voice and the courage to say yes to whatever You ask of me.  My greatest desire is to walk with You all the days of my life.  I don't want to settle for the good life.  I want the great life, where I live the adventure You created my soul to live.  In Jesus' Name. Amen

Cameron is with Jesus

 

My heart breaks this morning as I grieve with my sister Joy and brother-in-law Jordan. Cameron died at 2:15 this morning.  I find a lot of comfort in picturing Cameron and Zach together in Heaven.  

God clearly showed Jordan and Joy that he should be their son and they stepped forward in faith to be his parents even though they new his medical conditions would be challenging.  Cameron brought so much joy to their lives in his sixteen months of life and I trust that God had a great purpose for his life even though it was short.  I know Jordan and Joy would appreciate prayers as they face the coming days, weeks, and months.  

Joy

 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.  Psalm 30:5 (KJV)

This verse came to mind today.  God and I have been on a journey the last few days and this morning I felt my joy return.  It is hard to explain, but I feel like I can live again.  I am excited about life and the future.  When I tried to think about the last time I felt excited about life and optimistic for the future, I cried because it has been so long.    I have lived long enough to realized that the future probably holds more challenges and days where I will have to survive on the truth of God's Word instead of my own feelings, but right now I am praising God for this gift He has given me.  Thanks for the continued prayers.  I am humbled by my many faithful prayer warriors.  

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29: 11-13 (NIV)

Worship While I'm Waiting

I was blessed by a conversation today about trusting God even when life seems uncertain.  God placed the person in my life at just the right time to give me the encouragement I needed to face the day.  The person followed up our conversation by sending me the following verses  and song.  The song reflects a lot of what I am feeling today.

Psalm 62:5-12

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him.

He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defense; I shall not be moved.

In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. 

Surely men of low degree are vanity, and men of high degree are a lie: to be laid in the balance, they are altogether lighter than vanity.

Trust not in oppression, and become not vain in robbery: if riches increase, set not your heart upon them.

God hath spoken once; twice have I heard this; that power belongeth unto God. 

Also unto thee, O Lord, belongeth mercy: for thou renderest to every man according to his work.

Five months ago today, Zach when home to Heaven.  Almost daily, Zion or Moriah says "I want dada"  and I can only say that I agree with them and remind them that he is in Heaven.  Tonight I read them special letters that he wrote them before he died and we looked at pictures in his memory book.  It is hard to explain to them the eternal purpose God had in taking their daddy away.  My hope is that as they grow they will come to love Jesus enough that they can accept this plan for our lives.  

Since I last wrote, life has continued even though at times I wish I could just stop everything for a while and take more time to heal.  In early September, I ended my employment at Gateway Woods Family Services.  It was a hard decision after being blessed to work there for 10 years.  During my time at Gateway Woods I was privileged to work with seventy adoptive families.  When I think of the number of adopted children that are being raised in those godly Christian families my heart rejoices.  I miss the connections with the families and am thankful for the updates that I get from some of them through face book and emails.

After making the decision to be done working at  Gateway Woods, God opened the door for me to accept a part-time job working at Loving Shepherd Ministries.  I am thankful to use my experience with adoption to encourage and support some of the hundreds of families LSM assists in starting their adoption journey each year.  I normally work while the kids are at school and am set up to work from home too.  Moriah enjoys "Grandma Carmon Day" and "Elly Day" after preschool two days a week, so I can spend more time at the office. 

In September the kids and I traveled to Indianapolis to the Childrens' Museum with Christa W., Sarah S., Jack, Willis, and Selah. The kids had a great time digging for dinosaur bones, putting together a Clay Army, and playing in the many activity areas.  At the end of the month we went to Ohio for a Bauman family reunion and enjoyed spending time with some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  A group of us spent a day at the best pumpkin patch and corn maze I have ever been to.  I think Zion and Moriah's favorite part was playing the giant corn box (think sandbox). 

The first weekend of October we went to a corn maze with the Bertsch  Family.  Then on October 17th/18th we made the eleven hour drive to Kansas to see Brandon and Heidi.  While we were there,Zion got to ride with Brandon in the combine and both kids enjoyed the Bern Park.  The kids also enjoyed playing on the round hay bales with Brandon's nieces and nephews.  After spending a great weekend in Bern, we headed to Missouri and spent a few days with my Aunt Leslie.  The kids loved playing with their second cousins (my Cousin Connie's kids) and visiting a park, nature center, and the Bass Pro Shop.  On Thursday the 24th we stopped at the Science Museum in St. Louis on our way home.  The kids did really well thanks to ipads, a dvd player, coloring books, Legos, and Johnathan Parks Adventure Stories.   

 

On October 31st my roommate from my first three years in Indiana, Terri Witzig, came to visit for the day.  It was great to catch up since we don't see each other often.  Later that day I dressed up my little super hero and princess to visit their great grandparents and get their special treats.  

   

On November 1st Christa, Jack, and Willis came to play/talk.  Friday evening we attended the play "The Family Nobody Wanted."  We started in the front row and then ended up in the back when Moriah decided she had enough.  Next time Zion and I might have to leave her behind unless the story is about a princess.  Saturday we had family pictures taken and attended the Kingdom Academy Auction.  Then on Sunday I traveled to Southern Indiana to represent LSM at an Orphan Sunday Event while the kids enjoyed time with Brad and Sonya. On Monday Moriah enjoyed a play date with Samantha and Delany and Zion spent some time at Tristan's house.  My mom, Joy, Josie, Adalynn, Cameron, and Weston came Monday night and stayed until this afternoon.   

 

Pressing On

A sweet woman who also lost her husband to cancer at a young age wrote me the following after hearing of Zach's death:
"1)  You may not feel like "yourself" for quite a while and that is ok...don't be hard on yourself!
2)  God will keep you closer than you can imagine. He truly is the Father to the Fatherless and the Husband to the Husbandless.  You will see miracles happen around you.  That is just God protecting and loving you - watch for it.  It's such a humbling experience."

In the past month I have been reading the book An Untroubled Heart.  I can relate to much of what Micca Campbell writes because God chose to take her loving husband to heaven when she was in her twenties, leaving her a single parent of their son.  Here is a quote from her book: 

"God met me in my pain and carried me to new levels of grace...With each encounter, my future grew brighter, and I was able to pick up the pieces of my shattered dream and with God's help rebuild my life."   (p. 21)

God has blessed me by allowing me to be encouraged by both of these women.  I so appreciate the quote above because it reminds me that even though I am not at a point where I feel like the pieces are picked up and my life is rebuilt to a new normal, I can rest in God's grace and the hope that the future can grow brighter. I press on one day at a time praying that the next day will go a little better.  That I will feel a little more like myself.  That I will figure out how to be the mother God wants me to be.  That I will draw another step closer to Jesus and truly feel His presence in my life.  That I will find purpose and joy in this life that God has called me to live even though it is different than what I would have imagined.  God is so good and I am thankful that He continues to transform me and mold me to be the woman He wants me to be. 

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family.  As you pray for Zion, Moriah, and I, please continue to pray for the children in Haiti.  They have also experienced much loss.  Pray that their Homes of Hope parents will be given wisdom to support them through their grief.  Pray that they will be given an extra measure of patience as grief in children is often expressed in   misbehavior that can be exhausting to deal with on a daily basis.  Pray that the children can turn to Jesus for answers and healing.

First Day of Preschool

 

Moriah loved her first day of preschool.  She was so excited when I picked her up that she ran to the van and was full of  energy for the next hour or so.  Her teachers are Mrs. Girod and Miss Tonner.  She has seven classmates, including her cousin Elly.  I have to admit that I love preschool too.  Having a couple hours to myself was great and I made a lot of progress on my to do list for work. 

Kindergarten

Zion survived his second day of Kindergarten.  We were running late the first day, so I settled for pictures at school this morning.  He seems to like his teacher, Miss. Towle and is excited to sit next to Luci (right next to Miss Towle's desk).  I am thankful Luci does well with boys because Mason sits on her other side.  There are 10 children in the class and it will be interesting to see what dynamics develop over the next few weeks. 

Moriah went with me to drop Zion off and she wanted to stay at school today.  I hope she continues to be interested in school because she starts preschool in a few weeks.   

Looking Back

I wrote this post on our blog on June 24, 2010:
A New Journey
I started this blog to record cute tales about our kids and to share stories of our lives. Life continues to happen, but with it brings the busyness that has made blogging less of a priority. In April we sold our house in Leo, moved in with Zach’s parents for over a month, and were thankfully able to move into our new house in Bluffton in mid May. We were just starting to get settled again when God chose to open our eyes to a new journey He wants us to take. A journey that we are thankful we don’t have to face alone.

On June 12th Zach had a colonoscopy and after the procedure the Doctor shared with us that he had found a large growth in Zach’s lower colon that appeared to be cancerous. On Monday Zach had a CAT Scan and then on Tuesday received the news that the growth was cancer and that the CAT Scan showed spots in his liver and lungs. We met with an oncologist in Fort Wayne on Wednesday the 23rd and he ordered a PET Scan to verify the CAT Scan Results. Zach had to have a blood transfusion on Friday the 18th because his hemoglobin levels were too low. On Monday(21st) he had the PET Scan and on Tuesday (22nd) we met with Dr. Helft a specialist at Indiana University’s Simon Cancer Center. Dr. Helft verified that the cancer has moved from Zach’s colon to both his liver and his lungs, which means that Zach has Stage Four Colon Cancer. This type of cancer has no cure at this time, but we are thankful that there are chemo treatments effective in shrinking the cancer and preventing it from spreading. Research has shown that people receiving treatment for type four colon cancer live on an average of 2 ½ years and 1 in 8 live for 5 years.

Zach has an MRI on Friday the 25th and is scheduled to start chemotherapy on the 29th. Our hope is that the chemo will decrease the size of the tumor and also the pain that Zach is experiencing. Dr. Helft and his nurse are hopeful that Zach should be able to continue working and function fairly normally as he is given this first type of chemo. We are thankful to be working with medical professionals who along with being experienced in treating colon cancer have a great compassion for their patients and their families.

In the coming weeks we are hoping to be able to settle into a new routine. A routine that includes trips to Indianapolis every other week for chemo and tests every few months to evaluate the effectiveness of the treatment. We find our future very uncertain right now, but are thankful for the things we know are true. GOD is in control. HE will give us the strength to endure everything we will face. No matter what happens we can look forward to Heaven.

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:7-9
 

Today:
As I reflect on where our family is at right now-I can see how three years later the kids and I are starting on yet another journey. A journey without the husband and father we love. We have had two weeks to process our loss and I am guessing it will take months, maybe even years for us to fully understand how to cope with loosing someone so important in our lives. Would I change what has happened to our family? I can honestly say “no.” I of course wish Zach won’t have suffered so much. The pain in the moment was hard on him, but he always went back to the thought that he would gladly suffer if God would use his suffering to bring more souls to Jesus. I take comfort knowing that He died with no regrets. Today Zach’s brother Brad sent the family a copy of a life purpose statement Zach wrote in January of 2009. The document was three pages long and I may share more of it later, but for now here is a little taste of what was in it:

What 50 things would I like to do before I die?
1. Adopt a child/children from another country
7. Use financial resources for spreading the gospel
19. Always serve Christ and have a “Kingdom Mindset”
27. Start up a business or ministry on the side at home with Jenny
35. Be at peace with all men
36. Show Compassion to orphans
37. Show Compassion to widows
38. Show Compassion to strangers (refugees)
43. Go on another work team to Haiti
44. Visit the children in Haiti that Jenny and I sponsor
48. Be known as an encourager
49. Have a “good name” to pass down to my children
50. Be faithful to Christ ‘til death

Also on this list were things he wanted to do with the kids and I, professional goals, personal development goals, and places he wanted to visit. I remember reading this list after he wrote it and giving him my thoughts. When I read through the list today, I was amazed by God’s faithfulness to Zach. Zach could have never imagined the way that God would choose to use his life and how so many of the most important things on his list could be accomplished.

Just as I wrote three years ago, I am thankful we don’t have to travel this journey alone. Our family, friends, church family, and believers from all over the United States and even in other countries have blessed our family more than we could have ever imagined in the last three years. There has been pain, doubts, and tears. Through it all our GREAT GOD has been faithful. I find our future uncertain right now, but I am thankful for the things I know are true. GOD is in control. HE will give our family the strength to endure everything we will face. HE has been so faithful to our family in the past and has allowed CHRIST’S NAME to be glorified through the work HE has given us to do. No matter what happens we can look forward to Heaven where we will be united with our SAVIOR, our HEAVENLY FATHER, and loved ones who have gone before us (including Zach).

Trusting in Jesus,
Jenny

Photography Practice

A few weeks ago I took a class from my friends Jenna and Vanessa to learn how to use my camera better.  I still need a lot of practice, but I am starting to get a better understanding of how to use what I learned.  Moriah was thankfully a pretty willing subject today.  Zion helped by making faces at her and later stopped his ipad game long enough to pose for a picture too.

Update on Zach

Zach remains peaceful.  He is so ready to go "Home," but continues to rest in the fact that if he is still on this earth God has things for him to do.  God blessed him with conversations with several people in the last week that were good reminders of the fact that God is still using him.  His body is sensitive to touch and he spends most of his time in bed.  Zach normally sleeps from midnight to around 2:00 each afternoon.  He eats very little now because eating often makes him feel sick.  The doctors have told him only to eat if he wants to because his body does not absorb food very well anymore.  It is hard to see him loose weight, but I remind myself that soon he will have a new healthy body in Heaven.  Zach has pain but the pain medications are making it bearable. 

For those of you who know Zach well you know he likes to talk.  Over the past few weeks he has been talking less.  He enjoys company, but prefers to listen other people talking around him rather than participating in the conversation.  When he does talk, Jesus and Heaven are often his topic of conversation.  His voice is softer now, making it harder for people to understand him on the phone.

I have been trying to make life as normal as possible for the kids.  Zion has been going to school and both kids have spent time with friends.  Zion started playing t-ball on a team with some of his friends last night.  We went to the zoo with Zion's preschool class on Wednesday and played at the park with friends yesterday.  Moriah had a great "4th" birthday celebration with family Saturday night (she turned 4 on Wednesday).

I am taking life one day at a time.  It is hard knowing that at any moment I could find Zach not breathing and I often wonder how I will respond.  I am thankful that we have been able to talk about his death and our family's future a lot over the past weeks and months.  Zach has had a lot of help from family and friends to create special books and dvds for the kids.  This has been a huge blessing to me since I was rather overwhelmed by the projects I wanted him to do for them.  Each day one of my goals is to rest in faith instead of allowing fear to overwhelm me. Thanks for the continued prayers.     

This song is in my thoughts today:

TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS
Words and Music by Helen H. Lemmel (1922)

O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Saviour,
And life more abundant and free.

... Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion -
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

His Word shall not fail you - He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well;
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell.

Refrain
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Devotion Zach sent out on May 4th

 

And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. - 2 Cor. 12:15

I can certainly relate to this poem.....I'm sure many of you can too.

A Prayer of Weariness
by Randy Alcorn

I AM WEARY, Lord… bone tired.

Weary to the point of tears, and past them.

Your Word says you never grow weary;

But I know you understand weariness

Because once you drug a heavy cross

up a long lonely hill.

Many times you had nowhere to lay your head—

And people who needed you pressed upon you

by day and by night.

My reservoir is depleted, almost dry.

For longer than I can remember I’ve been

Dredging from its sludgy underside

Giving myself and my loved ones the leftovers

Of a life occupied with endless tasks.

The elastic of my life is so stretched out of shape

that it doesn’t snap back anymore.

Just once I’d like to say “It is finished,” like you did.

But you said it just before you died.

I guess my job won’t be over till my life is

and that’s OK Lord,

if you’ll just give me strength to live it.

Deliver me from this limbo of half-life;

Not just surviving, but thriving.

You who know all, You who know me

Far better than I know myself—

Deposit to my account that as I spend myself

There may be always more to draw from.

Give me strength

To rest without guilt…

To run without frenzy…

To soar like an eagle

Over the broad breathless canyons of the life

you still have for me both here and beyond.

 

 

Zach with our niece Khloe on May 14th

 

 

 

Princess Moriah is Four

 

 

 

We celebrated Moriah's Fourth Birthday on Saturday night with the Bertsch Family, Grandpa John, Grandma Janice, and Jason. Then yesterday on her Birthday the kids and I went with Zion's preschool class to the zoo followed by a little shopping. Moriah had fun picking out a new colorful skirt and sunglasses for part of her birthday gift.  Last night she got to open her birthday gift from Zach and I: A new 18 inch doll to reminder her of her friends in Haiti.  We are so thankful for our little princess and her enthusiasm for life.  She prays often for her daddy and her cousin Cameron.  Her current prayer is that God would heal her daddy and take him to Heaven, that baby Cameron will get better, and that husbands and wives will love each other.  She has times of sadness almost everyday as she tries to process what is happening around her.  Praying that her childhood faith will stay strong throughout her life.     

 

Interview with Moriah:

What is your favorite color?  Pink

Where is your favorite place to go?  The Library

What Makes You Scared?  Bad dreams

Who are your best friends?  Elly, Ashlyn, Marley, and Zion

What is your favorite toy? Princess Celestia (my little pony)

Who loves you the most?  My Daddy

What is your favorite song?  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

What are your favorite foods? Strawberries and Carrots

What food don't you like? Orange Chicken

What are your favorite stories? Princesses (Ariel and Cinderella)