Last night before I went to bed I looked at the calendar and realized that if Zach were still on this earth today would have been our eight wedding anniversary. I started thinking about it when I woke up this morning and God gave me an overwhelming feeling of peace. I have struggled over the last year to figure out where to fit into this life. I have said to God countless times: "What is next?" "What should I do now?" "Do I have a future beyond the painful journey I have been on?" At times God has given me clear direction and I move forward. At other times it feels like His silent and there is nothing I can do but wait for Him so show me the next step. I struggle with this because I like to know what is next so I can make a plan. Some of the things He has asked me to do over the last year have been really hard and I still deal with the mental battle of why He would add these things to my already overwhelmed mind. I remind myself that God knows what He is doing and that the story He is writing in my life is more beautiful that I can ever imagine (and I have a good imagination). A few weeks ago I read Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV) and found a huge amount of comfort:
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us,to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
As I think about my marriage to Zach this morning, I am once again reminded that I should be praising God for the gift He gave me in Zach. In late 2005, God clearly showed me I was supposed to marry Zach and although it took months for Zach to actually ask me to marry Him, God took care of all the details that I worried about during that time. Zach and I didn't have a perfect marriage. I knew all his weaknesses and he knew mine. I shake my head that some of the silly things we argued about and praise God that He used us even thought we failed in so many ways. Our story didn't go the way I would have written it, but I am okay with that. Zach is in the Place he was made for with the Person he was made for and that gives me reason to rejoice.
Zach and I talked often about the life the kids and I would have after his death. It was important to him that I didn't get lost in grief. He wanted me to move forward with life. He didn't want me to dwell on the expectations other people have of how our family should grieve or when our family should move forward with new opportunities. He wanted our family to be directed by God, so we could be used to further God's kingdom.. In the last few weeks of his life Zach worried most often about how I would be able to provide for all Zion and Moriah's needs on my own. Those who know me best know that it hasn't been easy. I struggle with all the things that I don't understand. I get tired and overwhelmed and as a result am not the woman or mom I want to be. As I talked about these things with my counselor yesterday she reminded me of the following verses that she had read during her morning devotions.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; He makes my feet like the deer's; He makes me tread in high places." -Habakkuk 3:17-19 (ESV)
Even when life seems to have many struggles I need to keep focus on the fact that God is working and that I need to continue to be thankful for all that He has done in my life. As I was searching for these verses I came across Zephaniah Chapter 3:17-18 (ESV).
"Fear not, O Zion: let not your hands grow weak. The Lord your God is in your midst, a mightly one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing. I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, so that you no longer suffer reproach..."
Thanks for joining me for my morning reflections/devotions. And thank you for your prayers. I will end with the verse of the day from BibleGateway.com and the song that is going through my mind:
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You
need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will
receive what he has promised.-Hebrews 10:35-36
It is Well with my Soul
1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed his own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.
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